Funny Headlines

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
[no, really?]

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
[now that's taking things a bit far!]

Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
[not if I wipe thoroughly!]

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
[what a guy!]

Miners Refuse to Work after Death
[no-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-sos!]

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
[see if that works any better than a fair trial!]

War Dims Hope for Peace
[I can see where it might have that effect!]

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.
[you think?!]

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
[who would have thought!]

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
[you mean there's something stronger than duct tape?!]

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
[he probably IS the battery charge!]

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
[That's what he gets for eating those beans!]

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
[Chainsaw Massacre all over again!]

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
[Boy, are they tall!]

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
[Did I read that sign right?]

Best Valentine's Day Love

A kid asked Jesus... how much do u love me? Jesus replied," I love you this much." and he stretched his arms to the cross and died for us. If you believe in God, you will send this to everyone on your list.

Nail in the Fence

I'm sure most of you have read this before but I really enjoy this.

There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His Father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn't lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, "You have done well, my son, but look at the holes in the fence. The fence will never be the same. When you say things in anger,they leave a scar just like this one. You can put a knife in a man and draw it out. It won't matter how many times you say I'm sorry, the wound is still there. " A verbal wound is as bad as a physical one. Friends are very rare jewels, indeed. They make you smile and encourage you to succeed. They lend an ear, they share words of praise and they always want to open their hearts to us.

Chris Rock's "Quote of the Year"

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named Bush, Dick, and Colon. Need I say more?"

That's one way to look at it....

Insight from God: some answers to my questions

I go to church at a small church that my youth pastor in high school started. There are only about 20 people who attend on a regular basis, but it's more of a revelation with God rather than someone who relays a message that they have experienced. I really enjoy this lay out because I learn from God and experience Him for myself.

Well, God revealed Himself to me as Truth. We read from Genesis 22 where Abraham takes Issac as a sacrifice. A few new things were brought to my attention from this chapter even though I've probably read it multiple times. First, Abraham was 130 and Issac was 30 years old. I've always seen Issac portrayed as a little boy. This passage not only says something about Abraham's relationship with God but also about Issac's relationship with God. If Issac did not want to be a "sacrifice" or to be bound he could've over taken Abraham, but he did not.

One of the key points that really hit me and opened my eyes to some of the turmoil I have been dealing with concerning Aaron and his attempt to encourage me to read the book of mormon, is that even though God is the same God and there is only one God, we relate to Him differently because we are each different. We think the person we see ourselves to be is who God sees us to be, but that's not necessarily true. This gave me some understanding on my situation with Aaron that I will pass to him. He may not see it that way, but I am going to relate to God the way He leads me too, and only I have experienced Him in certain ways. I can share those experiences with others but God becomes more real in every situation as each individual experiences Him in their own lives. Am I talking in circles here?

Another thing that was brought to my attention is that we see God as "watching over us", off away in heaven, but God feels what we feel, sees what we see, and then sometimes sees us completely differently and knows what is really going on. God is Jehovah Ahway (not sure if I spelled that right) or "The One who sees our needs and provides". Not only does He provide but He is the provision. I have on several occasions asked God to "give me strength" or "give me peace", but I must remember that God is strength.... God is peace. Whatever need I have He is that provision. He is not far way sending us gifts, but with us, waiting to be the gift we need at that moment.

All of this really spoke to me about my feelings and knowing that I am on the path God wants for me. Knowing that God is going to be different for Aaron and me and we will relate to Him differently because Aaron and I are different and have expericenced God differently, yet we have the same God. I'm not sure if Aaron will understand this but God has become peace to me thru this message.

Bad Day at Work

I received this forward from a friend.... really puts things into perspective.

Next time you have a bad day at work...think of this guy...

Rob is a commercial saturation diver forGlobal Divers in Louisiana. He performs underwater repairs on offshore drilling rigs. Below is anE-mail he sent to his sister. She then sent it to radio station 103.2 onFM dial in Ft. Wayne, Indiana, who was sponsoring a worst job experience contest. Needless to say, she won.

Hi Sue,

Just another note from your bottom-dwelling brother. Last week I had abad day at the office. I know you've been feeling down lately at work, so I thought I would share my dilemma with you to make you realize it's not so bad after all. Before I can tell you what happened to me, I first must bore you with a few technicalities of my job. As you know, my office lies at the bottom of the sea. I wear a suit to the office. It's a wetsuit. This time of year the water is quite cool. So what we do tokeep warm is this: We have a diesel powered industrial water heater. This $20,000 piece of equipment sucks the water out of the sea. It heats it to a delightful temperature. It then pumps it down to the diver through a garden hose, which is taped to the air hose. Now this sounds like a darn good plan, and I've used it several times with no complaints.

What I do, when I get to the bottom and start working, is take the hose and stuff it down the back of my wetsuit. This floods my whole suit with warm water. It's like working in a Jacuzzi. Everything was going well until all of a sudden, my butt started to itch. So, of course, I scratched it. This only made things worse. Within a few seconds my butt started to burn. I pulled the hose out from my back, but the damage was done. In agony I realized what had happened. The hot water machine had sucked up a jellyfish and pumped itinto my suit. Now, since I don't have any hair on my back, the jellyfish couldn't stick to it. However, the crack of my butt was not as fortunate. When I scratched what I thought was an itch, I was actually grinding the jellyfish into the crack of my butt.

I informed the dive supervisor of my dilemma over the communicator. His instructions were unclear due to the fact that he, along with five other divers, were all laughing hysterically. Needless to say I aborted the dive. I was instructed to make three agonizing in-water decompression stops totaling thirty-five minutes before I could reach the surface to begin my chamber dry decompression. When I arrived at the surface, I was wearing nothing but my brass helmet.

As I climbed out of the water, the medic, with tears of laughter running down his face, handed me a tube of cream and told me to rub it on my butt as soon as I got in the chamber. The cream put the fire out, but I couldn't poop for two days because my butt was swollen shut. So, next time you're having a bad day at work, think about how much worse it would be if you had a jellyfish shoved up your butt.

Now repeat to yourself, "I love my job, I love my job, I love my job".