Another Loss

I don't think you ever get used to people you love dying. If you did I don't know if that would be a good thing. My Dad's girlfriend died of cancer Friday morning. She was practically my stepmom. My Dad is an alcoholic that just got worse after my parents got a divorce. Kathleen helped my Dad overcome most of his alcoholism. She understood where he was coming from.

A few months ago she fell because she had a lot of fluid around her heart therefore her heart didn't have the room to pump blood to her legs. They almost had to amutate one of her legs, but she was spared. At that time they found tumors in her lungs. She started chemo treatments that seemed to work because her tumors were getting smaller but after a few weeks they realized that the cancer was starting to spread. She gradually got worse. My Dad was there for her every step of the way. He really took care of her.

My Dad has had a really rough year and I just wish he could get a break for a change. He knows that Kathleen is not hurting anymore... he reminded me of that, but I know that he is hurting. I have really seen a different side to my Dad these last few months and this just breaks my heart.

Doubt

Have you every had one of those days where you analyze your life and say "So, this is my life" (not enthusiasticly)? You start to wonder "Is this what it's all about?" and "What was supposed to be so exciting about waking up for work, coming home, cooking dinner, and going to bed 5 days out of the week?" Do you have an answer? I don't.

I don't have these days as often as I used to, but they still creep up on me every once in a while. I'm not a person that likes routine. I get bored and want to run the other way. I've done this my whole life. If it's not challenging then it's a waste of my time, I could be sleeping for crying out loud! When these days tap me on my shoulder like a sneaky little varmit I think "Not you again... go away!!" The only good thing about one of these days is that when I start to analyze my situation I realize all of the blessings that God has given me. The things I don't deserve, but yet I have them anyways. So, I guess good things come out of "those days" after all even if they weren't intended for that.

Chris and me New Year's in East Texas with friends. Don't ya just love our cute hats!!
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One of my best friends, Krista, and Keaton, my God son (her son).
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Working Out

Why is it that when you should be working out you don't want to and when you're at work you wish you were working out? Oh, this twisted and backwards world we live in...

Fancy

I love fancy ketchup!! I just went to Whataburger and it is amazing how good fancy ketchup tastes with their fries. I don't know why it's different than regular ketchup but it's good!

The Dallas VA

I am currently doing an internship at the Dallas VA Hospital SCI unit. For those who don't know what a VA Hospital is... it's where Veterans go to the hospital. The SCI unit stands for spinal cord injury unit. I mostly treat patients that are paraplegic, tetraplegic, or have multiple sclerosis, or ALS. Now, I come from a long line of Navymen and my sister is in the Navy so I have a lot of respect for those that serve-- ie. my patients... but sometimes I can't help feeling sad for them. Most of them are in good humor but every once in a while as they are rolling away in their wheelchair there's a twinge on my heart. These men and women served our country and most of them do not have anyone to take care of them. They live in nursing homes and assisted living facilities with no one to visit. They're missing teeth and sometimes even limbs. Some days it can be a sad sight, but there they are pushing through their life. I guess I've always imagined taking care of my parents, however best suited, when it becomes difficult or impossible for them to take care of themselves. Sometimes I feel sorry for them and sad in a way, but I could never show that.

An Amazing Girl

Back in November, the Monday after Thanksgiving, I got some horrible news that a very close friend of mine died in a car wreck. The person who called and told me was someone I hadn't talked to in over a year. I wasn't sure whether to believe her or not because we left on bad terms. My close friend was Kristin Grace White. She had just turned 18 about a week before and being that my life is so busy I forgot to call her and tell her Happy Birthday... something I do every year.

I had talked to her 6 days before her death and she sounded weird. Do you think subconsciously people know when something is going to happen to them? She was visiting her mother and brother (my ex) for Thanksgiving in Columbia, SC when I called her. She told me that she missed me cause it had been so long since we had seen each other (since June). I told her I missed her and asked her how school, work, and her new car were going. She sounded distant... like she wanted to talk to me but she didn't know what to say. I'm sure I said "I love you" when we parted... I hope I did. I remember thinking that she sounded weird when I got off of the phone with her.

I have known Kristin since she was probably about 8. Her brother and I were friends growing up and eventually dated for a while. She grew up with two older brothers... she has a half sister that lives upstate that she didn't get to see much. I remember her mother telling me once "Kristin looks up to you because you're such a strong Christian." She was as close to a sister as one can get without blood.

A year ago this month Kristin and her brother came to visit for Fat Tuesday. Events happened that ended with me cusing her brother out for actions he did. I remember her hugging me and telling me that she knew why I was mad and that she couldn't believe her brother had acted that way towards me. Later she came to my apartment to get her stuff... she sat on my bed crying... she cried "I feel like I just lost you as my sister because of what he did. Your the only sister I've ever known." I cried back "That could never happen... we will always be sisters... he can't stop that."

I keep thinking about her. I look at her pictures eveyday because I don't want the memories I have of her to fade. That thought scares me. After her death I prayed that I would dream about her. Last Friday night she visited me in my dreams. She looked more beautiful than I've ever seen her... glowy sort of. There were lots of people there talking to me and she came up to me on my side. I got the impression that she was working and she said to me "Before you leave come see me in the room with the two rings and stars." I asked "Are you sure?" She replied yes and then turned and walked away. I don't know the significance of her words, but it was sure nice to see her. She looked perfected.

Me and my nephew Quentin
LT here

Ground Zero is behind us
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Us at Grand Central Station.
LT here

You can't see it but Plymouth rock is right behind us... and yes, it was cold
LT here

Me and my hot boyfriend checking out this huge old house made of rocks in New England over Thanksgiving.
LT here

Here I am

Here I am blog... Take a load of me!